On the Hunt for Gold

A few years ago, my friend Don Howse told me about a golden noble fir that he found in the late 90s.  Don is conifer person who is widely known in conifer circles.  His nursery, Porterhowse farms, has been one of the go-to places for specialty conifers in the US for decades.

When Don told me about this tree, he mentioned that he found it while going into the bushes to go pee.  He jokingly said that it should be called 'Golden Showers'.  Of course, I love goofy names for plants, so I decided that I would try to propagate this one.  The tree is in the central Oregon Cascades, so it is a bit of drive to get there for me.  I hadn't made it down there.

A few weeks ago, when I went to get the cuttings from the juniper broom, I noticed that there was no snow in the pass.  I almost drove down to the gold noble fir that day, but I didn't have the directions with me.  Instead, I tried on Sunday.  During the drive and the hike, I thought a lot about the state of my life, and how it has been affected by my emotions.  I don't know what follows is going to make sense, but I'm going to relate some of what I was thinking.

Sunday was probably my only day off for the next few weeks.  I'm currently working three jobs-  60 - 70 hours per week.

Let me explain that.  It is going to involve talking about my ex boyfriend, so please bear with me :)

There have been a few times in my life when I've felt trapped, financially and vocationally.  I can point to the series of decisions that I made that led to these traps, but many of the factors were out of my control.  In the past few weeks, I've had a bit of an attitude change.  I have decided to get really serious about pulling myself up by my bootstraps.  Oddly enough, this was inspired by my ex.

I can think of a number of examples of people in my life who have been...  what is the nice way of saying it?    In the extreme, we are talking about sociopathy.  This isn't the extreme, however.  These people, including my ex boyfriend, one or two former coworkers, and perhaps only one friend, lean in that direction on the spectrum.  If they lean in the direction of sociopathy, I probably lean in the direction of histrionics.  But those are the extremes.

In my case, I can have emotional reactions to events in my life that are pretty disabling.  Two and a half years ago, my job was dismantled, and the resulting fall-out make me act out in all sorts of strange ways.  I've been trying to recover (financially and emotionally) ever since.

On the other end of things...  I know these people who are able to down-regulate their emotional states in ways that are beyond my capacity.  The trouble is that sometimes they do this at the expense of the people around them.  I think that have less emotion in general also comes with less empathy for others, so I don't think they really notice when they throw other people under the bus to regulate their emotions.  Examples of this are my friend who used to put key-logging software on his girlfriend's computer. he would read her email in order to keep tabs on her, and he seemed to have no compunction or remorse about doing so.

My ex boyfriend would treat me unkindly (sometimes in puzzling and strange ways) in order to manipulate the level of intimacy in the relationship.  The fact that he was really hurting me didn't really register-  he was just doing what he needed to do.

There is something magical
about an icy mountain cataract.

I think that in the US, with its current political climate of hyper-capitalism, people with that temperament thrive.  Both my friend and my ex-boyfriend are quite successful in their corporate jobs.  When I think about how either of them would have handled what happened to me two and a half years ago, I am sure that neither of them would have left the job.  They would have down-regulated their emotional reaction to the job (assuming that it was very strong to begin with) and they would have put their financial security above any emotional concerns in the priority list.

A few weeks ago, I starting thinking about just borrowing a page from their playbooks.  What if I just put my emotions aside and just did whatever was necessary to take care of myself, financially?  So far (and it has only been a few weeks) it has been oddly freeing.  I am not attached to the outcomes of my jobs, and I'm not particularly worried about the quality of my work.  I do the best that I can, and I ask for what I need to do my jobs...  but beyond that, I just don't think about it.

I have started a night job at a large retail chain store.  This pretty much eats up all of my free time, so getting out in the woods isn't going to be happening much for a while.  When I got down there, I had to stop a few miles short of the tree.  The snow was getting to be too much for my car, so I parked and tried walking the last 5 miles or so.  After a couple of miles, I could tell that it just wasn't going to happen.  If I had full weekends, I could go down to that gold tree and do an overnight hike in to it.  I have a warm sleeping bag and a tent, so I could do some snow camping.  I look forward to visiting that area.  There are different species of conifers down there- notably Abies concolor- that don't grow as far north as my usual haunts.  I suspect that there may be other surprises waiting for me :)

The first Abies concolor tree
I've ever seen in the wild.

Right now, however, I am letting my emotions (and the things about which I am passionate) take a back seat.  The tree will have to wait until the fall.  This might be the only year for a long time when I could get scions in late winter, but it isn't going to work out.  Fall grafts are harder to do, but I have no choice.

The trip was not a loss, however.  The views of the mountains and the snow-covered trees were well worth the drive.